I don't want my kids to share.

Everything we teach our kids, we are doing for their futures. We want them to eat vegetables to live a long and healthy life. We encourage them to eat protein to grow up strong. We put them into sports and activities to teach them perseverance for future obstacles and teamwork for future jobs and friendships. We teach them good morals and kindness so they can grow up to be good humans and good adults, so they don’t get into trouble and so they respect authority. And all of this leads to brighter futures for our babies.

Everything we do, say and teach our kids is to shape their futures.

Now a while back, I mentioned on Instagram that Ava was starting to hide toys from Franky. He crawls toward her and she lays on top of the toys she’s playing with so he can’t touch them. He’s playing with a toy and suddenly she wants it because it’s hers and it’s “special to her.'“ You all know what I mean here and this is an obstacle I’m sure every single one of us has or will encounter with our kids, whether it’s with siblings or with friends. But what that simple statement sparked was a whole conversation around sharing that I found very intriguing and ultimately, it made me want to teach my kids that they don’t HAVE to share.

Wait WHAT?

Correct. I don’t want my kids to always share.

Say I’m out with friends at a restaurant and our food arrives. A friend leans to me and asks for my plate of food. Do I have to share it with him or her? Nope, absolutely not. If someone asks me for my cell phone, you’d better bet I’m not going to share it with them because it’s my property. If someone asks me to share my car with them, I'm not going to, of course.

So if adults aren’t required to share, why are our kids taught they always need to share?

Of course, kindness and giving and all of those lessons that come along with sharing are wonderful and they’re lessons I’m absolutely striving to teach Ava and Franky. And of course, I’m not saying I never want them to share with each other or their friends but what I AM saying is that there has to be some sort of balance.

[Spoiler Alert: I don’t know the answer to any of this or what the balance should be so this is just me talking out loud.]

Yes, I want Ava to be kind to Franky and I want her to want to play with him and share her toys with him but at the end of the day, kids have possessions too. Some of Ava’s toys are just that - Ava’s toys. And just because a little brother was born shouldn’t mean that she suddenly never gets to play on her own. It shouldn’t mean that she has to give up what she’s playing with time and time again — toys, crayons, the swing, the blue cups or whatever it may be.

I want my kids to practice kindness and giving but I also want them to be able to stand up for themselves. I don’t want her to just give in to every friend who is trying to pull a toy out of her hands. I don’t want her to just let her little brother take things from her and make her believe that she just has to go with it — That’s just not how life is. One day these kids will grow up and they’ll be adults and they’ll have belongings that are truly theirs, belongings they have earned with their own hard work and money.

So what IS that balance?

How DO we teach our kids to share and be kind and be giving but to also give them their space, allow them to do with their belongings what they want to do with them, just as adults can do. I definitely don’t have the answer but it’s something I’ve been working to figure out.