Pregnant + Guilty.

The day I found out I was pregnant...

If you missed it, you can watch my pregnancy announcement video here and you’ll see all the happy tears, all smiles and just a whole lot of giddy Jenn, to say the least. And that’s exactly what I was feeling. But deep down, the moment I found out I’d be having another baby, I had the most overwhelming pit in my stomach.

Guilt.

It’s never a feeling I would’ve even dreamed up — never in a million years. I had no idea it was coming but oh, it was so immediate. Through those happy tears and joys and moments of pure bliss, the feeling of guilt has haunted me.

Fear.

What have I done to Ava’s life? 

All Ava’s known is that she’s the center of my world. We’re best friends and no one else can get in our way. And that’s still true and always will be. But just think — I’ll welcome a perfect little baby boy into this world and in an instant, her life will change. She may love him from the second she meets him or she may dislike him for months, as I know many older siblings do, but no matter how it goes, her life is going to change the day he arrives. I’m about to rock her world.

How could I do this to her? Will she still love me the same?

She’ll continue to be the center of my world but will no longer be the center of attention. Will she despise me for this? Will she be sad? Will she think she’s less loved when this baby is getting so much attention all around her? So much fear and so much guilt surrounded me in that moment I found out I would be having a second baby and I don’t know if that’s normal or common or if I’m just the only one who’s ever even thought that way. 

I know that in an instant, it’ll all be perfect. Our little baby boy will come and we won’t be able to picture our lives and our family any other way but in the meantime, I just feel so sad and happy for Ava all at the same time. I’m about to rock her world and I sure hope and pray that she loves me for it. 

Am I alone in this or did/does anyone else out there fear this too?